Sardonic
by Simone Robinson
Summary: "-Because, of course, nothing could possibly happen to a 180 lbs. turtle alone, with no disguise, in the subway. No way. And had he mentioned he was bleeding? He was bleeding.-" After a fight with the Foot, Raphael is angry. And maybe a bit sardonic too.


**Note: This was born from listening to Tenacious D. Forgive me.**

**There are comments in here that are not meant to offend any reader. I, for one, am Christian, and have nothing against the religion. I think Raphael was just in a bad mood.**

**Warning: A lot of swearing. An angry Raphael's internal dialog.**

* * *

**S **a r d o n i c

* * *

"Leo, seriously, I think there's too much blood in Don's caffeine system."

Raphael was pissed. No, that was an understatement. He didn't like understatements. People always seemed to use them at the wrong times. When there was a fire, or Saki's fucking _building_ blew _up_, then it was just a mild disturbance. Because of _course,_ the three buildings next to it hadn't gone up in flames _as well_. And all the people working there would have been grilled too if they hadn't decided to save all of their ungrateful hides. And then, someone _thinks_ they see something _weird_ and it's all over the fucking _news_. So they run, they split up, because it's two in the freaking morning and Donatello hasn't had his coffee yet so he's still a zombie that can't tell a socket from a pencil sharpener (And Raphael isn't even being sarcastic here). Mikey's high on the smoke they've just inhaled _way_ too much of, and Leonardo looks like Don's Bo was just shoved up his ass. (Then again, nothing new their, in Raph's opinion) Raphael's bleeding from a piece of debris (Because that's exactly what took _Raphael_, the great _warrior_ down. A piece of _plank_. And Raphael thinks that if he dies because of that, he's gonna be _so_ pissed.)

And now Donatello was telling him that he should just catch a train and come home. Because, of course, nothing could possibly happen to a 180 lbs. turtle alone, with no disguise, in the subway. No way. And had he mentioned he was bleeding? He was bleeding. And it was _painful_. No. It was _fucking_ painful. _Of course_, _no one_ would notice the trail of red behind him. Or maybe they would think he was maintenance. With paint. Yeah, cause humanity was _that _gullible. Then again, maybe they were. Who was Raphael to judge, after all, he did live with Mikey.

He hears Leonardo sigh. He sounds esperated and annoyed and Raphael thinks that- if Leonardo even _dares_ to be irritated- Raphael will hitch hike all the way home and _show him_ irritated.

"Raph, what do you _want_ us to do?"

Raphael resists the urge to roll his eyes. Then he decides that, _what the hell_, and he rolls them anyway. Then he flips the bird for good measure, even though no one can see him.

"What about comin' _to pick me up_?" The last bit of his sentence takes on a sickly sweet tone.

"I already told you, we can't."

Raphael picks at a bit of wall with his sai, "But ya forgot to mention _why_? Care to fill me in, _fearless_?"

"The van is busted from earlier."

The piece of wall snaps off and ricochets off Raphael's leg. He spits a muffled curse, decides he has the worst karma in the world (_Hitler _had better freaking karma than _him_) and then replies, "Then take my fucking _bike_."

_Silence._

"Leo, there had _better_ not be anything wrong with my bike."

Leonardo doesn't reply for a moment and Raphael suspects that he's shaking his head, using the silent treatment like he always does when Raphael is being stubborn. Which is often. But that's fine, Raphael actually _likes_ Leo when he's quiet. It's a nice change. Another moments pause and Leonardo mumbles something that Raphael can't quite catch. Then he sighs, "Your bike is fine."

"Then come _fetch me_! _Goddamn_ it. That so hard?"

"_Alright_." Leo sounds resigned and he supposes that his bother is still tired from the fight. He doesn't care. Raphael has been out enough on his own, and he supposes that Leo thinks he can find his own way back. Maybe it's some weird sort of karma. Leo wants to prove a point? Probably. Cynical son of a bitch.

"Because if you don't, I'm going to kick your fucking ass, Leo, and you know I will." Raphael is nothing if not persuasive.

Leonardo must have gotten the hint. Raphael will make good on his threat, because this situation is_ not_ something that makes Raphael happy.

He clears his throat, "We're on our way."

Raphael doesn't think about life often. He has a few choice comments about it though, comments that tend to come out at times like these with a hard, biting truth that somehow amuses him. _Life's a bitch, if it were easy it'd be a slut._ He read that somewhere. He forgets where. Then again, he doesn't care. He knows another one too, _death is life's way of telling you that you've been fired._

He really hopes that Saki gets fired soon. This shit is _really _starting to get on his nerves.

When he thinks about life, he thinks about his childhood, and how he was always a bit of a pessimist. It was never a case of: What I'm going to be _when_ I grow up (One of Splinter's better ruses) It was more of: What I'm going to be_ if_ I grow up.

Always the optimist. That's what everyone loved about him, after all.

Like those self righteous ass holes at the church. Christian. Ha. Most of those guys were just glorified con-artists. Going to church didn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage made you a car. He read that too… somewhere. Again, he doesn't remember, he doesn't care. Hypocrites. Not that he has anything against religion. Raphael is just in a _very _bad mood.

He hopes Leo gets here soon, if just to get him out of his thoughts that are starting to get so fucking _stupid_. Also, being a bastard to Leo could cheer him up and he wonders if his brother has gotten that stick out of his ass yet. He doubts it, and he wonders if Leo uses some kind of superglue.

"_Superglue_…" He mutters, his voice wry and so very loud in the empty station, "Gotta ask him about that. Could be poisonous. Maybe that's it. It would explain a lot." He takes a deep breath and leans against his arms, propped behind his head, "And I'm not talking to myself." He looks around until his eyes fall on a bench. A bench is fine, "I'm talking to you." Because insanity is talking to yourself, but inanimate objects are still fine.

"You know… " He mutters, "I've always though that if at first you don't succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried…" He sighs, "Saki is getting pretty fucking good at that."

He wonders how much time has passed. So he says it aloud. Then he wonders if this is normal, sitting ina dead quiet station talking to a bench while you hide in the shadows not moving until your legs fucking ache.

"Yes, because talking to benches is normal now."

"Yes…" He mutters, not caring to see where the voice came from.

"Raph, let's get going."

"Sure, where?"

"Home."

"On what?"

"Your bike."

"My bike?"

"Yes. Let's go."

"On what?"

"Raph, cut the crap."

It takes Raphael another minute to realize that it is a tired Leonardo speaking and not a bench with an obsessive compulsive disorder. He looks up and sees his brother staring at him, perched on top of his bike. And he wonders how he didn't hear the engine, "Raph, are you bleeding?"

Raphael pushes himself up, "No. I am not fucking bleeding."

"We need to get home. Don can check you out."

"Not yet. Ya took your sweet time getting here, I was starting to enjoy the peace."

"Lets go, Raph."

"Or?"

"Or I'll tell Mike you were having a conversation with a bench."

Raphael raises his eye ridge.

"Get off."

"What?"

"I'm driving. It's_ my_ fucking bike."

Leonardo complies. Raphael climbs onto the machine and jams the helmet over his head.

Then he takes off. Leo's angry shouts are barely heard over the motor.

He smirks, revving up the engine. And he wonders if that stick will be out by tomorrow morning.

Because Raphael is nothing if not sardonic.

* * *

**Really? Me venting, and getting Raphael into a sardonic mood. Hope you enjoyed it.**

**What did you think?**


End file.
